Traditions are typically things to be celebrated; annual gatherings where we come together with our fellow human beings, let bygones be bygones, and forget about the troubles of this cruel world for a moment.
But what’s this? 30% off a television that I neither want nor need? Get the f*ck out of my way!
You see, this little island of ours, which once was home to quaint traditions involving twee costumes and the sound of innocent choral tones, has now fallen foul of a more sinister, er, ‘festivity’ from our friends across the pond: Black Friday.
It’s just as bleak as the name suggests. The premise of Black Friday is essentially grab what you can. It’s a day when shops offer discounts on TVs, computers, clothes – you name it, you’ll probably have to participate in a stampede to get it.
The scenes from Black Friday were utterly astonishing for all the wrong reasons. Crowds of eager bargain hunters queued all night outside Asda, baying for blood and a slightly cheaper TV. When doors were finally opened, in rushed the predators seeking out their prey, trampling over the weak and fighting those who dared get in their way. Staff in tears. The store in chaos. Chavs proclaiming victory for £20 off a flatscreen.
The police have condemned Black Friday, claiming they have enough to deal with without having to crowd-control the Asda crew. And while we can all appreciate the irony of the force’s plight, we have to agree that this nonsense really isn’t worth it. When people are hospitalised because they’ve been battered over a half price laptop or flattened by a falling TV, you have to say enough is enough. Nip this one in the bud.
Only it will carry on, year after year, chaotic scene after chaotic scene, because it makes the crowds part with their money. It’s an extremely clever, and mightily cruel, marketing trick. These are things that people don’t need, but flash some numbers in front of them and you trigger the primal urge to buy, buy, buy. Throw into the mix the idea that everyone will be after it, and you’ve sealed the deal – no one will be mad enough to miss it.
When you think about it, Black Friday is just a shallow, materialistic monstrosity that turns us supposedly civilised beings into animals. It’s taken millions of years of evolution to get to this stage, and we’re undoing that in one day for the sake of a bigger TV.
Two Martini Breakfast 